var news = new Array();
news[news.length]="After third attempt on his life, President Bush decides not to visit Afghanistan again"
news[news.length]="Mexico takes over Alabama and parts of Michigan"
news[news.length]="Julie Andrews: The real Lara Croft"
news[news.length]="Pimp My Planet: New reality show?  Or government plot to colonize Mars?"
news[news.length]="Trauma Center explodes.  Patients moved to ULTRA-trauma center X-Treme"
news[news.length]="Sporks are sacreligeous, according to spoon purist William Heinzen"
news[news.length]="'I'm not Superman!' --Metropolis news reporter Lois Lane"
news[news.length]="Physics stops working.  Springs just don't bounce back anymore"
news[news.length]="Strict 'No-Walk' Zones in place all over America.  No signs denote these areas.  Any violators will be shot on sight"
news[news.length]="Spheres don't exist, according to boxologist Kevin Wake"
news[news.length]="Santa Claus real, non-believers left behind while the innocents everywhere are raptured away to North Pole.  Sucks to be them"
news[news.length]="Metal rod wins American Idol finals"
news[news.length]="Superlatives stricken from English language"
news[news.length]="Carlos Santana cashed check for $1.2 Billion from self, goes bankrupt"
news[news.length]="Europe proven uneffective in launching space probes"
news[news.length]="Pope dies.  'Finally!' says local NPC Jake Gauer"
news[news.length]="Local Tetris addict Bridget Miller breaks bones attempting to bend into a Tetris shape"
news[news.length]="According to polls, having face chewed on by wolf is no joyride"
news[news.length]="DNR now most technologically advanced department in the world"
news[news.length]="Martha Stewart to be first cloned celebrity, insane asylums fill"
news[news.length]="Mosquito surge causes bird boom, ensuing extinction of mosquitoes and thus birds, and dragonfly overpopulation"
news[news.length]="Texas introduces a bubblegum-scented gas option for executions"
news[news.length]="Lake Superior completely drained, officials say they found 'nothing very interesting.  No horse skeletons, no trains, nothing'"
news[news.length]="Gold standard reinstated, one American Dollar now buys half a slice of wheat bread"
news[news.length]="Microsoft Works, millions amazed"
news[news.length]="Michigan upper peninsula votes to seceed from union"
news[news.length]="Ameoba wins Van Cliburn competition"
news[news.length]="Monkeys own all Big Tobacco companies; plan on stupefying human race, then taking over"
news[news.length]="Wal Mart, USA's largest convenience store chain bought out by local Milwaukee drug store owner"
news[news.length]="British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Prospective World Ruler, Also Best Dad Ever has world's longest entirely capitalized title"
news[news.length]="College entry exams (SAT, ACT) now graded on a pass/no-pass standard"
news[news.length]="North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il charged with child pornography. Nobody saw that it's legal in North Korea until after his death"
news[news.length]="Statistics show that more and more statistics are being faked"
news[news.length]="More and more mothers paying to have their children beat up by their friends as general punishment"
news[news.length]="Connecticut passes a bill adding a tax to illegal drug sales"
news[news.length]="Experts agree Hawaii either may or may not be a single island"
news[news.length]="Arizona resident Tony Lee Hinrichs caught on video tape burglarizing the Extreme Surveillance shop"
news[news.length]="Kentucky resident Billy-Ray Smith makes mashed potatos, surprised to discover Jesus's face hidden within"
news[news.length]="Congress decides to spend $500 000 for a collegiate program analyzing how Congress makes budget decisions"
news[news.length]="New bill introduced by President Bush proposes looking at homosexual people be illegal"
news[news.length]="Love no longer a motivator in marriage"
news[news.length]="Polls show that attaching a bomb to a kitten and sending it into a room full of old ladies is cruel"
news[news.length]="Galactic census says average being has 3.17 legs and owns a hyena"
news[news.length]="Arsenic can be hazardous to your health. Seriously"
news[news.length]="Author Steven Wilburn to publish book entitled '300 Uses For Small Explosive Devices'"
news[news.length]="Political activist Michael Moore declared his switch to the Republican Party earlier today"
news[news.length]="Old man declares nothing to be true, later discovered to be lying"
news[news.length]="Mars probe finds water, Martian resident Kry&#g'al finds Mars probe"
news[news.length]="President Bush expected to conquer space, establish a democracy and withdraw within six months"
news[news.length]="Scientists discover related, shocking facts:  There is a God, and boy is she pissed off"
news[news.length]="Switzerland tests its first nuclear device on Monday"
news[news.length]="Lost continent of Atlantis discovered, turned into cheap resort for the elderly"
news[news.length]="Bush takes drastic measures to lower unemployment rate; kills millions of the unemployed"
news[news.length]="Atomic cars declared Unsafe at Any Speed"
news[news.length]="Tofu discovered to be made from baby seals"
news[news.length]="Matches leading cause of fire"
news[news.length]="IRS fears Y10K bug, begins rush on supermarkets to stock up"
news[news.length]="Ozone hole bigger than ever, Canada predicted to melt within five years"
news[news.length]="Senioritis:  Not just for seniors anymore"
news[news.length]="Statistics proven to be ineffective in treating mice with cancer"
news[news.length]="Man wants to be jailed, crosses state line with duck, gives up, robs gas station, gets away with $10 000, still at large"
news[news.length]="Nike sued due to shoes losing effect in molten lava"
news[news.length]="Cavalry to be phased out by 2020 says Russian Minister of Defense General Igor Rodionov"
news[news.length]="Due to a plastics shortage in India, many name-brand keyboards now produced without the Tab, Left Shift, and Down Arrow keys"
news[news.length]="Bullets don't kill people. Deadly viruses kill people"
news[news.length]="Homegrown films smell better"
news[news.length]="Frustrated mathematicians declare Pi to now be exactly 3"
news[news.length]="New hypoallergenic garlic developed, vampires rejoice"
news[news.length]="Increased Dutch cheese production sinks Holland even lower"
news[news.length]="9 out of 10 people prefer studies of ten people"
news[news.length]="As it turns out, all dogs do not go to heaven, as previously thought"
news[news.length]="Schwarzenegger admires Hitler; Bush admires Heussein"
news[news.length]="Popular artist David Bowie declares his switch to new genre Abstract Country Polka"
news[news.length]="Second coming of Christ delayed due to 2004 Olympics taking place at same time"
news[news.length]="Studies show 90% of statisticians would rather be lawyers"
news[news.length]="50% is too much to give an agent, says drummer Mike Ryan.  50% of 0 is still 0, say skeptical mathematicians"
news[news.length]="Swedish scientist discovers gene controling apathy; when questioned, says only 'Meh...' with shrug"
news[news.length]="U.S. Government: Biggest fraud since 1776"
news[news.length]="Patrick Stewart caught on video tape taking off a skull cap to reveal a full head of strawberry blonde hair"
news[news.length]="Osama Bin Laden most wanted guest star on Simpsons"
news[news.length]="New bioengineered marijuana isn't hallucinogenic, but still addictive"
news[news.length]="Crackdown on crime in Alderaan, Pennsylvania uncovers the awful truth:  there isn't any"
news[news.length]="New mathematical system introduced by 9-fingered mathematician, which bases everything on the number -2"
news[news.length]="Bush rated president with most intellectual development during term in office; 0% to .1%"
news[news.length]="Brad Pitt first person ever to beat Pong by scoring 1,000,000 points without being scored on once"
news[news.length]="New evidence points to dolphin management of the Manhattan Project"
news[news.length]="President Bush discovers a plot by the CIA to trick America into believing in the fabled Africa"
news[news.length]="Area college student remembers paper, forgets pants"
news[news.length]="'You Smonkey!' --Andrea Severson, Minnesota Resident"
news[news.length]="Flaming weasels overrun Torronto.  Citizens flee in abject confusion"
news[news.length]="Nowhere, Missouri voted better than Auschwitz.  Barely"
news[news.length]="Heussein escapes, caught again trying to pick up clothes at prison's front desk"
news[news.length]="John Lennon gunned down in front of New York hotel.  Twenty-two years ago"
news[news.length]="Tea is 17% better than coffee, and rising"
news[news.length]="New genetically engineered peanuts contain no peanut content"
news[news.length]="Kofi Annan seen ordering Chicken McNuggets in the Hague"
news[news.length]="Alkatraz next 'Survivor' location"
news[news.length]="Dali Lama declares war on Swizerland"
news[news.length]="Scottland refuses to sell kilts to the Irish"
news[news.length]="Dublin, Ireland votes to become Scottish"
news[news.length]="Using fusion reactor, distilling uranium becomes at once ten times easier and obsolete"
news[news.length]="London Philharmonic Orchestra proven to extend plant life by up to four years"
news[news.length]="France and Japan compromise; new fusion reactor to be built in North Korea"
news[news.length]="Global literacy rate at 100%, according to a written survey given last month"
news[news.length]="Studies show that anywhere over 50% constitutes a majority"
news[news.length]="News tickers dwindle"
news[news.length]="Disney recalls the second release of the special edition of the remake of The Land Before Time XVI due to choking hazard"
news[news.length]="S&P up 1000000 points"
news[news.length]="Mikhail Gorbachev stars in revival of 'Cats'"
news[news.length]="Steve Jobbs' new job as a Microsoft janitor"
news[news.length]="Polls show that the problem with a lot of people is overpopulation"
news[news.length]="Cuba 51st state"
news[news.length]="IRS sues Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner for tax evasion, searching for a judge"
news[news.length]="Bush almost doubles Webster's Dictionary width"
news[news.length]="Stinger missile kills thousands of Chinese civilians due to insufficient decontamination before being exported"
news[news.length]="America doomed to peril, experts say"
news[news.length]="Cuba ceceeds from union"
news[news.length]="Osama Bin Laden shaves, donates hair to cancer patients"
news[news.length]="Christopher Lee dead at 78, alive again at 79"
news[news.length]="People pay 6% more attention to news crawls"